October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I know, you have already probably heard more than you want to on it.  And frankly, I am quite surprised I am writing anything about it, too.

But! It is something, I am obviously aware of ALWAYS! Every day is breast cancer awareness day for me and so many others.  More and more people I know are being diagnosed. It wears on my heart always, hearing of the struggles of others.  Some have it so much harder than I did.  Sometimes you feel guilty about that.  There is a LOT of why me, why not me, why them, why anyone associated with a breast cancer diagnosis, and I imagine with any cancer diagnosis. The only thing I DO know of is MY journey.  What it was like, what it still is.  At my last doctor's visit she said to me now, that it has been 10 years, it is considered a part of my history. Maybe in a medical sense, and I hope it always remains in my HISTORY, but in my life, it will never ever be part of my history only.

I was talking to a good friend the other night, who is upon her ONE year anniversary.  The worry, the struggles, the wondering, the unknown, they seem to be there whether it is a new diagnosis, it is one year out, five years out, or for me, ten years out.

Yes, I still worry. Every.single.day. I don't want to, I try not to. But it happens.  I find, with being a survivor along with other things that have happened in my life, starting with losing my dad when I was 4, that I worry far too much. About just everything.  I know that things can and do happen in life that can change your world. And many of those we have no control over.  So why do we worry more?  Because we know just that. We try not to, but it is something that happens...

So October is here once again, and now we will hear so much about breast cancer.  Over and over.....  IF it helps just one, if it encourages one to get a mammogram and that helps save a life, then the barrage of stories is more than worth it.  I remember how very hard it was to hear so much at the beginning, I remember screaming at the tv that I did not want to hear anymore, that dear GOD, I live it every day, I don't want to be reminded even more.

I just hope in all the statistics, all the medical stories, everything we hear, that the media and even us, remember that every single diagnosis is someone....  and that someone is a daughter, sister, aunt, mother, grandmother, wife, friend.  There are people behind all those stories...

and my wish, is of course, that they will figure this out and it will not be an issue for anyone in the future, that no one has to go through the diagnosis, the treatments.  And the worry.

One more thing.....no matter how far from diagnosis we may be, it is still nice to know that people care, people remember, and that we are never alone!!!

Thanks to all who went on the journey with me so long ago, you can never know how much a call, a card, a hug can mean!

Cancer Sucks!!

Period. I hate saying or typing the word cancer. Somehow I feel it gives it life, makes it powerful.
But today, so many thoughts on it, so I decided its what is on my mind right now. If truth be told, unfortunately, it is on my mind every day. Since being diagnosed in 2002 there hasn't been one day I haven't thought about it. It is impossible to escape it.

Today it is on my mind for many reasons. One, next month is my yearly checkup so I tend to think about it more right about now. I got a journal update today from someone who was on the Relay committee with me. He is now battling brain cancer. He posted an entry with an essay his 14 year old nephew wrote. That was my first cry of the day. Just a little while ago, I was listening to a Houston radio station, thanks to the internet streaming world. On the program was the doctor and father of 3 year old Layla Grace. Her story is all over, Twitter, Facebook , the internet. It is HEARTBREAKING.. That was my second cry of the day. I struggle SO with the whys of cancer. Today, like some days, I struggle with the 'whos'' of it. Children? I just don't understand it. Why do children have to be stricken with this horrible disease. Dealing with a diagnosis as/with an adult is hard enough. It is a TOUGH disease to deal with, to go through, to watch someone go through. But children? I struggle with that one.

It is on my mind also, because a dear friend of mine lost his father last year to it. From diagnosis, to when he lost his battle was such a short time. He died on my friend's birthday. Imagine, not only losing your father so fast, but on your birthday. His birthday was just a few days ago..as was the first anniversary of his father's death. What a cruel twist of fate that is. How do you ever celebrate a birthday after that? I always wish I had better words of comfort, wisdom , wanting to help but feeling like I fail at that.

Then my mind wanders to ALL of the people I know and love who have gotten this disease. Many many died from it, many are still here, survivors, as I am. I am angry at lost time with them. I am angry at what THEY missed out on. My aunt Jean was only 52 when she died from it. I am 52 now. I only know that at this time in my life, there is a lot more to do. I know she had a lot more to do too. So why didn't she get that opportunity? My father in law, died when he was only 47 and my husband was only 12. I know he had much more to do and I know that a boy losing his father so young affects the rest of his life. I know when I was diagnosed, my husband couldn't help but think of his father and that outcome.
I think of my Uncle Jim, Aunt Mary Lou, Uncle Ed, Grandma Scofield, my father in law Jim, Opal, Susan, Judy, Alice, Ginny, Marilyn, Lloyd, Judy, Alice, (yes two of each! ) Lyle, Darla, Eileen, Dalton, Diane, Sharon, and, well you get the idea...the list could go on and on and does...

I will close this with a poem from an anonymous author...that truly makes a great point.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple Love

It cannot shatter Hope

It cannot corrode Faith

It cannot destroy Peace

It cannot kill Friendship

It cannot suppress Memories

It cannot silence Courage

It cannot invade the Soul

It cannot steal eternal Life

It cannot conquer the Spirit.

That my friends, is what is On My Mind Right Now.