October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I know, you have already probably heard more than you want to on it.  And frankly, I am quite surprised I am writing anything about it, too.

But! It is something, I am obviously aware of ALWAYS! Every day is breast cancer awareness day for me and so many others.  More and more people I know are being diagnosed. It wears on my heart always, hearing of the struggles of others.  Some have it so much harder than I did.  Sometimes you feel guilty about that.  There is a LOT of why me, why not me, why them, why anyone associated with a breast cancer diagnosis, and I imagine with any cancer diagnosis. The only thing I DO know of is MY journey.  What it was like, what it still is.  At my last doctor's visit she said to me now, that it has been 10 years, it is considered a part of my history. Maybe in a medical sense, and I hope it always remains in my HISTORY, but in my life, it will never ever be part of my history only.

I was talking to a good friend the other night, who is upon her ONE year anniversary.  The worry, the struggles, the wondering, the unknown, they seem to be there whether it is a new diagnosis, it is one year out, five years out, or for me, ten years out.

Yes, I still worry. Every.single.day. I don't want to, I try not to. But it happens.  I find, with being a survivor along with other things that have happened in my life, starting with losing my dad when I was 4, that I worry far too much. About just everything.  I know that things can and do happen in life that can change your world. And many of those we have no control over.  So why do we worry more?  Because we know just that. We try not to, but it is something that happens...

So October is here once again, and now we will hear so much about breast cancer.  Over and over.....  IF it helps just one, if it encourages one to get a mammogram and that helps save a life, then the barrage of stories is more than worth it.  I remember how very hard it was to hear so much at the beginning, I remember screaming at the tv that I did not want to hear anymore, that dear GOD, I live it every day, I don't want to be reminded even more.

I just hope in all the statistics, all the medical stories, everything we hear, that the media and even us, remember that every single diagnosis is someone....  and that someone is a daughter, sister, aunt, mother, grandmother, wife, friend.  There are people behind all those stories...

and my wish, is of course, that they will figure this out and it will not be an issue for anyone in the future, that no one has to go through the diagnosis, the treatments.  And the worry.

One more thing.....no matter how far from diagnosis we may be, it is still nice to know that people care, people remember, and that we are never alone!!!

Thanks to all who went on the journey with me so long ago, you can never know how much a call, a card, a hug can mean!

Jamie Wants to Drive in 2013

My second, 'slap in your face' moment of the day.  If you have read my book you know what I mean by that.  For those of you who haven't, the 'slap in your face' moments are where life gives me a sudden reality 'slap' and reminds me of things that I have learned to put on the back burner or have learned to live with, or so I have thought.  Until that 'slap in your face' moment happens to take my breath away for a second, to make me think about the reality again.

The first one today has to do with what I have lived with for the last 10 years, as a breast cancer survivor.  The reality of having part of you taken away, if you will.  While, of course, the intellectual part of me realizes that it was necessary for me to LIVE, the emotional part, the shallow part sometimes feels robbed, feels inadequate, feels defective.  Most people don't realize the discomfort I have all the time, but that is okay, I can live with it. Some people can have reconstruction and look good, almost normal.  It was not the case for me.... And it makes me feel like so much less than a woman most days. I KNOW that being a woman means SO much more than that, but to see it every single day, the scars and deformity, well sometimes it is hard to remember.  Sometimes it still makes me mad. Sometimes it makes me sad too. Today is one of those days.

So I am sitting here and Jamie comes out of his room. He says, "Jamie drives the car in 2013!"  WHAT?  I am not sure where this has come from.  Maybe he is tired of being dependent.  Maybe HE wants a bit of independence.  WHY NOT?  So this was my second 'slap in the face' moment.  Because of the circumstance of his birth, his whole life was changed.  I look at him still and wonder....where would he be now?  Would he have chosen college?  What would he have studied?  Would he have a family???  What would kids from him look like?  I sometimes ache for what COULD have been.  And it is NOT a good place to go to often. But I am human and sometimes it happens.  I yearn for a conversation with my son.  I want to talk about more than whats for dinner or when I need to go to the store.  I still worry, what will happen when I am no longer here?  And could I have done more for him?  And just WHY DIDN'T those doctors take him by c-section.  I want to be a 'normal' family. I want to be able to have family pictures and family dinners where he will participate, I want to have us ALL in the room at Christmas time to open presents.........

I am not looking for sympathy, for kind words or anything at all like that.  I am truly a glass half full person, one who finds joy in each and every day.  Sometimes, those, the 'slap in the face' moments happen when you least expect it.  I will work through them as always.... I will put that smile back on my face. But right now, I just need to have my moment...

And that, my friends, is what is on my mind right now.

Sometimes it isn't just about raising the most money.

I have many causes I care about, but life tends to happen and you navigate towards those that have affected you the most personally. For me, being a parent of a son with a disability, inclusion and disability causes are very important. I have also lost many to cancer so that is one also and being a breast cancer survivor that is one I tend to focus on, especially in October. Sometimes it seems we lose focus when fighting for our causes. Sometimes it can't be JUST about the amount of money raised. Obviously that is extremely important. Without the money we wouldn't have the research or the programs we are fighting for.

But here is my question to you. Do you ever step back and think about the REASONS for the things we are doing to raise money? Do you think how this will affect the kids with the disabilities, how it will impact them. Do you think about the survivors. Sometimes being able to participate in these events and being a part of it is just as important as raising the money. For me, it revitalizes me. A lot.

For the second time, I have two events on the same day for my two causes. I don't like having to pick between them. One I had to make a commitment to in travel costs and tickets long before the other. Now this year, I thought we would have a separate event for Breast Cancer Awareness but now it seems as if it will be the same day as the one I will be missing. It makes me sad. I shed a few tears this morning. I want so much to be a part of it. I understand that raising the a lot of money it essential. I truly do.

But sometimes...

It isn't just about raising the most money.

And that, my friends is what is on my mind this morning.

Birthdays.

Good morning. Happy 20th birthday to dear son #3. wow. Seems like yesterday when he was born. I love sharing my birthday with him...Its a special connection. Yes, its my birthday. Normally as we get older we tend to not think they are so special or want to tell our ages. But that changed for me in 2002!
As many of you know, since you know me, that was the year the old me was put away forever. The new me began. With no say so on my part, obviously.
May 31st, 2002. "I have tough news for you."

Breast cancer. Age 44. Four young children...16, 14, 12 and my only daughter, only 10. I had lost many people in my life by that time, some far too young, including my father who died at age 36 when I was only 4. So I KNEW parents could die young, before their time, before they got to see their children grow up, before they met their grandchildren. There I was having to tell my young kids, it could be them. But I DIDN'T say anything like that when I told them. I knew I shattered their young world, knew that I took the safety rug right out from under them. I told them I would be okay. I felt it. I prayed for it. I prayed I would be here to see them all graduate...and in less than 3 months, the last one will be. I pray now I get to see them married and have kids of their own and that I get to meet those kids and enjoy them.

Birthdays. That is what I was talking about. But I can't talk about those without talking about that fateful call . That call and that year changed everything for me. It changed me physically. It changed my inside as well. I decided no matter what it was time to LIVE this life and I have tried to. I sing, I dance, I laugh, I love. And I have birthdays.

Today is #8. So I am going to celebrate like an 8 year old would. I am going to eat cake, sing Happy Birthday, laugh and have a great day!!

I hope you will join me.

That, my friends, is what is on my mind right now!