Jamie Wants to Drive in 2013

My second, 'slap in your face' moment of the day.  If you have read my book you know what I mean by that.  For those of you who haven't, the 'slap in your face' moments are where life gives me a sudden reality 'slap' and reminds me of things that I have learned to put on the back burner or have learned to live with, or so I have thought.  Until that 'slap in your face' moment happens to take my breath away for a second, to make me think about the reality again.

The first one today has to do with what I have lived with for the last 10 years, as a breast cancer survivor.  The reality of having part of you taken away, if you will.  While, of course, the intellectual part of me realizes that it was necessary for me to LIVE, the emotional part, the shallow part sometimes feels robbed, feels inadequate, feels defective.  Most people don't realize the discomfort I have all the time, but that is okay, I can live with it. Some people can have reconstruction and look good, almost normal.  It was not the case for me.... And it makes me feel like so much less than a woman most days. I KNOW that being a woman means SO much more than that, but to see it every single day, the scars and deformity, well sometimes it is hard to remember.  Sometimes it still makes me mad. Sometimes it makes me sad too. Today is one of those days.

So I am sitting here and Jamie comes out of his room. He says, "Jamie drives the car in 2013!"  WHAT?  I am not sure where this has come from.  Maybe he is tired of being dependent.  Maybe HE wants a bit of independence.  WHY NOT?  So this was my second 'slap in the face' moment.  Because of the circumstance of his birth, his whole life was changed.  I look at him still and wonder....where would he be now?  Would he have chosen college?  What would he have studied?  Would he have a family???  What would kids from him look like?  I sometimes ache for what COULD have been.  And it is NOT a good place to go to often. But I am human and sometimes it happens.  I yearn for a conversation with my son.  I want to talk about more than whats for dinner or when I need to go to the store.  I still worry, what will happen when I am no longer here?  And could I have done more for him?  And just WHY DIDN'T those doctors take him by c-section.  I want to be a 'normal' family. I want to be able to have family pictures and family dinners where he will participate, I want to have us ALL in the room at Christmas time to open presents.........

I am not looking for sympathy, for kind words or anything at all like that.  I am truly a glass half full person, one who finds joy in each and every day.  Sometimes, those, the 'slap in the face' moments happen when you least expect it.  I will work through them as always.... I will put that smile back on my face. But right now, I just need to have my moment...

And that, my friends, is what is on my mind right now.

It ISN'T Just About a Singer....

I was going to wait until tomorrow to post a new blog.  Its' been a busy and emotional weekend, ending in a long day of traveling home, so I was going to rest.  But on Facebook, my cousin, who, I DO love, once again made fun, bashed my Clay 'love' so to speak.  He has done it in the past and while I never have appreciated it, tonight it made me mad and made me think, and got me to post tonight.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a big fan of Clay Aiken.  But many do not know the whole story, do not understand the whole story.  Many of you, my friends who are also fans, DO understand...

For those of you who don't, I am going to try to tell you, although much of it is hard to put into words.

As you know, ten years ago this month, I was diagnosed with cancer and went through a tough year.  About that time, American Idol 2 was on and we were hooked from the moment we watched Clay during the audition shows.  We watched every week together....voting and wanting him to win!  There was just something about his voice and personality that got under your skin.

I got through treatment, yes he came in second, and I had NO idea how much this man and being a fan of him would change my life.

I decided that I would no longer just sit around and watch my life pass me by.  What is the purpose in that?  I knew that life could be short, saw it many times, was faced with it myself.  My new mantra was find your joy...it STILL is....for without it, what is the point???

Somehow I found the message boards....imagine boards of people who got it!  Who were Clay Aiken fans....of the voice...and soon, of the man.

Kayla and I got to share many many things that I would never had even imagined.  We traveled from coast to coast, seeing places I would never have dreamed to see.  And I still am.  I just returned from another trip to New York City to attend the Celebrity Apprentice finale.  ME?!  Yeah. I did that...  What a blessed life I am leading. I am thankful each and every day.  But it is far far more than just going 'places'.

It is about the charity Clay started. It began as the Bubel/Aiken Foundation.  Imagine a charity about the one thing I had fought for each and every year for Jamie.   INCLUSION.  Making sure ALL kids belonged.... This charity has evolved into the National Inclusion Project.  It continues to grow and continues to make a difference not only in the lives of the kids with disabilities, but in the lives of the kids without and in the lives of the parents.  This charity has my heart. I have supported it from the beginning and always will.  ALL children matter. Clay gets that...and he is making sure that everyone else does too.

Do yourself a favor, check it out yourself!
http://inclusionproject.org/

But you know what? It is not just about the incredible voice.  It is not just about the heart. It is not just about the Project.  It is about people.  It is about the friends I have made.  People from all over the country, the world even.  Other people who get it.  These people...we hug, we laugh, we cry.  We don't just love Clay Aiken.  We love each other. I cannot imagine my life without them!

Respect. Simple word. One that I wish many would think about......So, my dear cousin, and anyone else, maybe you should think twice next time before you bash, or make fun, or say anything negative.  Try to imagine there might be a reason...or many reasons, that I am a fan of Clay Aiken.

I just hope that others can find something or someone that brings as much joy to their lives as Clay has to mine!

That, my friends, is what is on my mind tonight!