Forgiveness. Again.

I was thinking about this again.  I read my old post on it.  Seems that was about forgiving those already gone.  Now I want to talk about forgiving those still here and in our lives.

It has been rough around here lately.  And its time for forgiveness.  Again. For me.  If I cannot forgive the hurt that I feel/have felt, then I don't see things getting any better.  I will tell you as we get older, you would think words and actions of others wouldn't hurt so much.  I wish the 'wisdom' we have acquired through the years would help with that. But I am here to tell you it is not the case. Words hurt.     

Sometimes a lot. 

So a little time has passed and I have to let it go and forgive.  This has caused me much sadness and tears. Much heartache. It has affected my relationship with another.  If I were to wait for apologies I think the forgiveness would never happen.  Is that my lesson this time?  Maybe so.  I just know this one has been tough. It isn't even just the words not taken back, but other things since.  I have to try to forgive.  Notice I didn't say forget...because I am not quite sure yet how to do that.  Oh, I would like to. Who wants to have someone say such things to you? I know not of anyone. So today, I have to forgive.  And that feeling of the load lightening, so to speak, that I felt the last time?  I am feeling that again.  Maybe to a lessor degree, but it is nice not to be so sad. There is an affirmation I need to be saying every day again. Funny how it helps.

Healthy am I. Happy am I. Holy am I.

Simple, no?

I hope I can be forgiven too.  For in all this, I know I hurt someone I love by the things I said when hurt and angry.  Words spoken in anger often are hurtful.  Exaggerations, I think, of what we feel. Maybe with the intention to hurt another so they can feel the hurt we do.  Wherever those words come from, it is a better idea to not say them. Walk away when angry. Walk away when hurt.  Maybe the conversation can be had later.  Preferably after the forgiveness.  

So there it is. 

Forgiveness. 

Sometimes I think it is a daily thing to be practiced.  

And that, my friends, is what is on my mind right now.

Let's Talk About Life

So I will... Ready for random rambling thoughts? Here they come!

I have been thinking of starting this up again. I had good intentions so long ago of keeping up with it, but you know how it is...you get busy and/or lazy. Probably a little of both. Today my brother blogged, so I came to read his and while there, decided to read my old ones, which made me even more motivated to write. So lucky you, here I am.

Respect: why is there so much lack of it for others these days? No respect for strangers, no respect for those different than us. Younger people have no respect for their elders. By no means do I mean ALL people, because I have seen cases of respect. Unfortunately, I have seen many cases of none. I was at the receiving end of it too. To this day, the words hurt. A lot. I try to not let them. But they do. To me it came out of nowhere, I still don't know why. And it hurts. I just don't understand why it is so hard for people to respect each other.

Btw, If you were wondering after that last blog, how Jamie has been, he has not had another seizure. That we know of. So he has not had a grand mal seizure, although there have been times it sounded like he went down, so we run in to his room, to thankfully find he is okay. I have wondered throughout this year if he might have had smaller ones. He would be confused as to the day, which for him is unusual. Just some little things. He is still on anti-seizure meds and probably will be forever. I hope they continue to work. No parent should have to watch their child go through that.

Children...what can I say? I love all of mine. A lot. You know, you have kids, thinking life is so great. But wow, the reality can be so different. Don't get me wrong, I love having kids, even adult kids. Who knew at times that could be so much harder? I am faced right now with letting one of them make what I feel is a mistake. Its been rough around here lately to put it mildly. You try to impart your wisdom, hoping they will see the mistake they are making. But in the end there is nothing you can do, but let them walk away, and do what they are so set to do and hope and pray it works out. It is harder when it is unexpected and so out of character. I have shed many tears. Sometimes as humans we don't always realize how our actions can affect so many people. Part of growing up, I think is realizing that. Sometimes the decisions we make are not the 'funnest' ones so to speak, but have to be the smartest ones. Those are the hardest to do. When we are young, we don't always get that, and we surely don't listen to our parents, who just might have some knowledge on the subject! And how hard is it for us, as parents, to stand helplessly by and let your kids learn it on their own.

So...there is that thing I hate a lot. Cancer. One of my friends has been undergoing treatment. It has been ROUGH on her. She is one of the strongest persons I know. But cancer sucks a lot. It takes a lot. You pretty much hand over your whole life to it. I had the privilege recently to help plan a benefit for her. Now there was the opportunity to see the BEST of people, for the most part!! I know that her and her husband were overwhelmed by the generosity of so many. Many that gave, or donated, or showed up to this, had never even met her!! I know she has a long road to go, but I hope that this not only helps them on this road to worry a bit less, but it gives her the strength to get done with it and put it all behind her!.

SO my friends, that is what is on my mind right now. Family, respect, stupid cancer and how it affects people. Life.

Jamie

I am sitting here with lots of thoughts the last few days. I wanted to come here and write about it all. I wasn't sure what to entitle it, so I am simply writing about Jamie. There is so much in my head and my heart right now that I am not sure where to start or where it will end and I am sure it just might ramble a bit as I think of things, so please hang in there with me!

Did you know that any time the human brain is without oxygen it can cause problems? Well, I am sure you are. Even if at such a time as birth, for a few minutes, it can change a lifetime, as I am convinced that is what happened to Jamie, my second child.

He was a big baby to start with so the doctors, without asking, or telling me anything about it, used the vacuum extractor to help 'pull him out'. Come to find out later, he had to be revived, with blow by oxygen. These two events, I am sure, changed the course of all of our lives. Mostly his.

We noticed things right away....most people thought he was deaf as he wouldn't respond to his name. I knew otherwise. Many things added up and he was tested. And tested some more.... It was decided that although he had many of the characteristics of autism, he did not fit the criteria at the time to be diagnosed that. They called it 'probably Pervasive Developmental Disorder' BUT said he wasn't that exactly either....that Jamie was a 'rare bird'. Really. In my searches I came across Hyperlexia. Look it up...there is a book that was written on it. It could have been about him.

As a parent when you learn that your child has a disability, so many things are felt. It is a form of grief. You grieve for what will not be. The things you won't do or see him do. You think of what if, what could have been. Then you get to the reality. The WHO he is. and all of the stuff that goes with that. We were put into a world of IEPs...strange looks from those who did not understand, a world where your 4 year old finally reaches up and touches your face and says Mom and it is the best word you have ever heard. Jamie has been my education. I have learned so much from him about so much. The good and bad in the world. I have seen much of both.

And we have made sacrifices. Some as simple as no family pictures. Because of his disability, he avoids his dad and oldest brother when he can. Since he was 2 , he has reacted to his father's cough. Many years later his brother was added to that. Now of course they don't cough all the time, but he does not want to take that chance. If you see him and he is plugging his ears, that is why.
What this means is great. Meetings, doctors, shopping , anything is done without them. Every day things like family meals no longer happen. Christmas Jamie spends opening presents in his room. I am his parent. It is hard for me to not be able to get that support from another parent who can take over some of the 'stuff." It is hard for him to not be able to be there. Like the last few days.
In October Jamie out of the blue had a Grand Mal Seizure. It was THE most horrific thing I have had to witness. I cannot find the words to tell you. After appointments, tests, there was no reason found. No medication was prescribed because with no reason found, and only one it isn't guaranteed that it will ever happen again....actually only a 20% chance that it will in 5 years.
Well you know us and the odds....yeah it happened again. Sunday morning. 6:50 a.m. I am at the computer and hear a loud crash. I knew in an instant it was happening again. I ran in there. While it is happening, I can only watch. Once he came out of the body shaking part, it was another 10-15 minutes before he was conscious again. Another 10 or more before he was able to talk. When he first got up on his own his limbs move like a ragdoll and he could not walk right, it took awhile before he was able to talk with making any sense. He would not go with the ambulance people, so I had to take him to the ER. They decided to admit him. Little did we know it would be 24 hours before we actually saw another doctor. I do appreciate the nurses there, they were amazing. And I do give credit to all of them and the doctors for talking TO Jamie, to asking HIM the questions, to giving him the respect of treating him like a person. I can't tell you through out all his 23 years how many times that does not happen.

Yesterday in the hospital was exceptionally hard. I had no relief. As I have mentioned, he avoids his father. He was able to bring me the computer the night before so I at least had that. Jamie saw him, said I love you, goodbye and was clearly agitated. That has to hurt. It is hard to see and hard for me, knowing that it is only me there to deal with him , the doctors, and everything that came up. All day he begged to go home, he cried , every minute he asked to go. Wanting to go to Shopko and home. No matter how many times I would say yes, or later, or when the Dr said it was okay, he would ask again. Then again. I try so hard to have patience and understanding. Sometimes I get tired. And frustrated. I walked out of the room at one point, needing a break....tears in my eyes. I wondered, why....yup again, WHY. Why did God make him this way? and WHY of all people to have to deal with the seizures and tests and medications now having to be taken....WHY Jamie???? Why the struggles he has had, is having , will have?

and dear God, WHO is going to be there after me???

I worry about that often. Who.

And there I end....because that my friends, is what is on my mind right now.....

Sometimes it isn't just about raising the most money.

I have many causes I care about, but life tends to happen and you navigate towards those that have affected you the most personally. For me, being a parent of a son with a disability, inclusion and disability causes are very important. I have also lost many to cancer so that is one also and being a breast cancer survivor that is one I tend to focus on, especially in October. Sometimes it seems we lose focus when fighting for our causes. Sometimes it can't be JUST about the amount of money raised. Obviously that is extremely important. Without the money we wouldn't have the research or the programs we are fighting for.

But here is my question to you. Do you ever step back and think about the REASONS for the things we are doing to raise money? Do you think how this will affect the kids with the disabilities, how it will impact them. Do you think about the survivors. Sometimes being able to participate in these events and being a part of it is just as important as raising the money. For me, it revitalizes me. A lot.

For the second time, I have two events on the same day for my two causes. I don't like having to pick between them. One I had to make a commitment to in travel costs and tickets long before the other. Now this year, I thought we would have a separate event for Breast Cancer Awareness but now it seems as if it will be the same day as the one I will be missing. It makes me sad. I shed a few tears this morning. I want so much to be a part of it. I understand that raising the a lot of money it essential. I truly do.

But sometimes...

It isn't just about raising the most money.

And that, my friends is what is on my mind this morning.

Time Marches on....

and on and on...and much too fast. Don't you sometimes wish that you could stop it for awhile? Or at least slow it down?

Yesterday we got a call that hubby's aunt had passed away. She was the last of his dad's siblings. They are all gone now. I had met them all except for his dad, of course, who had passed away from cancer when Tom was young. I wish I could have known him too. It is strange to know you are the oldest generation left. My dad and his siblings were all gone by 1985. That's a long time ago. Four of my mom's siblings are still alive and I cannot imagine a world with all of them gone.

Last week I took my youngest child, my only daughter to college. I just can't believe that she is that old. Wasn't it just yesterday when the doctor lifted her up after she was born and said, "See it IS a girl!" Wasn't it just yesterday she started preschool, kindergarten, middle school? Wasn't it just yesterday she started high school and we couldn't believe she was that old? I remember thinking how time was flying then....suddenly, it started to go a whole lot faster!

All too soon we were sitting at her high school graduation...So proud. But still, finding it hard to believe that it could be possible already.
I knew this summer would go fast. Her last summer home before she moved away to college. It was a busy summer which made the time go even faster...She started counting down the days to when she got to move down there. I started counting the days to when I HAD to take her there.

We got her moved in and I didn't cry when we pulled away. I thought I would. Saved that until later. I had to put something in her room, and then it hit me. She is not here. I went shopping yesterday, our normal day to hang and do that. It was lonely. I have tears right now. I miss her for sure. I don't like she isn't here. BUT I am excited for her and what lies ahead for her. What a wonderful time of your life. I am excited to get to know this adult daughter of mine. Yes the doll houses and Barbies are long gone, but I relish this new chapter with her. I just wish it hadn't come so fast!

That is what is on my mind right now, my friends!

Cancer Sucks!!

Period. I hate saying or typing the word cancer. Somehow I feel it gives it life, makes it powerful.
But today, so many thoughts on it, so I decided its what is on my mind right now. If truth be told, unfortunately, it is on my mind every day. Since being diagnosed in 2002 there hasn't been one day I haven't thought about it. It is impossible to escape it.

Today it is on my mind for many reasons. One, next month is my yearly checkup so I tend to think about it more right about now. I got a journal update today from someone who was on the Relay committee with me. He is now battling brain cancer. He posted an entry with an essay his 14 year old nephew wrote. That was my first cry of the day. Just a little while ago, I was listening to a Houston radio station, thanks to the internet streaming world. On the program was the doctor and father of 3 year old Layla Grace. Her story is all over, Twitter, Facebook , the internet. It is HEARTBREAKING.. That was my second cry of the day. I struggle SO with the whys of cancer. Today, like some days, I struggle with the 'whos'' of it. Children? I just don't understand it. Why do children have to be stricken with this horrible disease. Dealing with a diagnosis as/with an adult is hard enough. It is a TOUGH disease to deal with, to go through, to watch someone go through. But children? I struggle with that one.

It is on my mind also, because a dear friend of mine lost his father last year to it. From diagnosis, to when he lost his battle was such a short time. He died on my friend's birthday. Imagine, not only losing your father so fast, but on your birthday. His birthday was just a few days ago..as was the first anniversary of his father's death. What a cruel twist of fate that is. How do you ever celebrate a birthday after that? I always wish I had better words of comfort, wisdom , wanting to help but feeling like I fail at that.

Then my mind wanders to ALL of the people I know and love who have gotten this disease. Many many died from it, many are still here, survivors, as I am. I am angry at lost time with them. I am angry at what THEY missed out on. My aunt Jean was only 52 when she died from it. I am 52 now. I only know that at this time in my life, there is a lot more to do. I know she had a lot more to do too. So why didn't she get that opportunity? My father in law, died when he was only 47 and my husband was only 12. I know he had much more to do and I know that a boy losing his father so young affects the rest of his life. I know when I was diagnosed, my husband couldn't help but think of his father and that outcome.
I think of my Uncle Jim, Aunt Mary Lou, Uncle Ed, Grandma Scofield, my father in law Jim, Opal, Susan, Judy, Alice, Ginny, Marilyn, Lloyd, Judy, Alice, (yes two of each! ) Lyle, Darla, Eileen, Dalton, Diane, Sharon, and, well you get the idea...the list could go on and on and does...

I will close this with a poem from an anonymous author...that truly makes a great point.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple Love

It cannot shatter Hope

It cannot corrode Faith

It cannot destroy Peace

It cannot kill Friendship

It cannot suppress Memories

It cannot silence Courage

It cannot invade the Soul

It cannot steal eternal Life

It cannot conquer the Spirit.

That my friends, is what is On My Mind Right Now.

Forgiveness.

Simple word, right? Sometimes not such a simple action.

I have recently found out how liberating forgiveness can be. And I am not talking about just the obvious things, either.

Think back on your life. Is there someone you need to forgive? Is there a long time grudge you are holding? The time is now for that forgiveness.

I lost my dad at age 4. I lost out on a lifetime with him. No daddy to hug. No father to give me away. No grandpa for my children. I recently realized I needed to forgive him for leaving me so young. And I did. Outloud. I forgive you Dad.

My mom married someone a year after we lost my dad. Someone that I did not like or ever get along with. Not when I was young. Not when I was older. My mom and I did not have a very close relationship. We didn't do mom and daughter things. Not when I was young. Not when I was older. I still loved her. I still miss her. But I needed also, to forgive her for bringing this man into our lives. And I did. Outloud. I forgive you Mom.

The hardest one for me was to forgive my stepfather. For a lot. For making my life miserable. For saying all those hurtful things. To me and to my kids. Forgiving that was hard. But I did. Outloud. I forgive you, Keith.

I still say it once in awhile. Outloud. It has been very liberating.

Forgiveness..

Try it today...

Outloud.

That is my challenge to you.

And that, my friends, is what is on my mind right now.