Another Fatherless Father's Day

Spending Father's Day without your dad is something you eventually expect to happen. Sometime when you are older. After a lifetime of growing up with him.

This Father's Day will be my 50th fatherless Father's Day.

Wow.

50 of them.  Most of my life. Without a father.

I was thinking about him the other day.  As much as you can think of someone you don't know or don't remember.  I can't remember how he looked or smelled or sounded.  I 'think' I remember once when he took my friend from across the street and I, for an ice cream cone at the A & W in town.  I say I 'think' because I am not sure if it really happened, or I dreamed it.  If it did happen, it would be the only memory I have of him.  He gave me life.  Half of my DNA is from him. Yet, he is and forever will be, a stranger to me.

A few years ago, I obtained his yearbooks and they were a fascination for me to read! I was surprised, yet thrilled to see he was in Art Club, Choir, wrote for the school paper, was in the football club and he was in drama. I am sure there were other things he was in that I have forgotten.  In high school, I was on the paper, the yearbook editor and have forever loved art. My kids....also artistic. One was always in choir, school plays and musicals, worked on the yearbook. I had kids in Art Club.  My daughter was thrilled to know she had the same talents as one of the grandfathers she never knew!

I was looking through pictures the other day.  I have very very few from back when I was young. And so very few of my dad. Not a one of them is color.  I hear his eyes were sky blue.  I would like to see a picture of that...I would like more to remember them.  It dawned on me at the time that not only do I have very few pictures of him, but not one of them is me with him.  Not one of them is a picture of father and daughter.  Would it be easier to think of him as my dad if there was?  Would I make that connection more? I don't know.

I often see the question asked , if you could spend one day or even 5 minutes with someone no longer here who would it be?  Of course the answer for me is my dad.  I would love to hear his voice, look into those eyes, know what it was like to feel like a daughter to a father.  If even for 5 minutes.

I often tell people to find the joy, life is too short, tell those you love that you do.  But I truly mean it. And this Father's Day, if you are lucky to have your dad around still, give him a hug! Make it extra long...just for me!

And that my friends, is what is on my mind right now!

When I Grow Up, I Want To Be....

What?  Do you know yet?  Have you thought about it all your life?  Did you end up doing what you wanted to?  Did you end up doing what your passion is?

My kids are at that age.  You know, the age, the world expects you to know what you want to do!  I have one who has always known what she wanted to do and is almost through with college so she can do just that.  I think, she is in a minority.  I think, she is one of the lucky ones.

I know I struggled with knowing what I really wanted to do.  I never had the guidance and the backing, nor the encouragement.  I went to different schools, took different majors. I majored in business, was going to be an art teacher, fashion design, thought about social work, pursued accounting at one time, was accepted in to a Commercial Art program that I never went to, and did go to cosmetology school and got a license in that.

So were any of them my passion???  Commercial Art was close.  So why didn't I go, although I had to show a portfolio and was accepted?  I still didn't feel good enough.  To this day, I regret it and wonder what direction my life would have taken if I had gone.

When I went to an actual 4 year college, my major changed so much. I just didn't 'know' what I wanted to do, what I could be good at.  Thinking back, the classes I enjoyed the most, I did the best at, were my English and writing classes.  Yes, I even thought about journalism, but that isn't the writing I wanted to do.

I wanted, and still want to, write books.  Sure, I wrote one, but that was like a big long journal, a story of part of my life.  Yes, I have another one to do, but those aren't the kind I am talking about.  I am talking about writing books of fiction.  The ones you get lost in, the ones you can't put down because you need to know how the story goes, and how it ends. So why haven't I?  Can you guess?  I never felt I wrote good enough.  Lately, the book my sister and I started working on has been majorly on my mind.  I think it is time to find it and finish it and if I have to self publish it, I am fine with that.  I want it done. It feels like it needs to be finished.

So, anyhow, back to my topic.  Here is my question and I hope you will post your thoughts in the comments!

What did you want to be when you grew up?  More importantly, are you NOW doing what you always wanted to for a job.  If you are, it is more than a job, isn't it?  If you are, when did you realize what you wanted to do and how did you get to this point?  If you are not, why NOT?  What was it that stopped you from doing what you really wanted to?  What is stopping you now?

That, my friends, is what is on my mind right now!

More Random Thoughts on Life!

Time for one of those mind dump blogs.  No particular subject, no particular theme.

So its already November....another year flying by.  They go faster and faster.  Sometimes its scary.  I sit and wonder sometimes how we all got to this time so fast....wasn't it just yesterday I was waiting to graduate from high school?  Wasn't it just yesterday that I met Tom, got married, started having babies. Wasn't it just yesterday they started to walk, talk?  Then THEY were graduating high school?  I remember my mom, aunts, uncles, their friends, being my age.  And now, many of them are gone.  It is sometimes scary.

Some days, the days seem to crawl, while at the same time, the months and years fly by.  I sometimes wish I had done more, was doing more.  I wonder if I could, would I change anything about what has happened so far?

I worry as always, about many things.  I always have.  I worry the most each day about Jamie.  If you remember, he is now on anti-seizure medication since having his second grand mal seizure in February of 2011.  I will remember every single minute of both of them. Every single one.  We listen always for the sound of him hitting the floor, running if we hear anything like it coming from his room, heart beating, afraid to look, relieved that he is fine and it was something else. Always hoping and praying, it never happens again, but worrying it will, knowing it can.  The other night, he came out of his room at about 6 like he often does, when he asks for water.  But this time, immediately, I knew something was wrong.  When he TRIED to say water, it was jumbled, I asked him what he meant. He could not form ONE SINGLE word!  Not one.  Oh my God, there was that feeling again. What was wrong?  I knew it was probably a smaller seizure, but worried it was a stroke.  What if he was never able to communicate what he needed again?  What if he didn't get better?  Daniel heard right away and was out of his room immediately!  He asked Jamie who he was....he could not say.  He asked him what they were going to get for supper Friday night, as it is always the same, and he could not answer. We took him to the ER.  They took blood...well after trying forever.  Poor kid.  No infection.  We are waiting for a med level and will be back to his neurologist...next week!  They said he had a petite mal seizure.  Sigh. Damn.
DAMN!  I want him to be okay always.  He has so much to deal with anyhow, I just don't want him to have this too.  So I worry some more.  I worry with his size and our history, if he will awaken each morning. Every single day.  It is hard.  Some days I want to cry. Sometimes. I still do.  I know he is happy and that is important.  But still, I worry.....  and pray.

So last month was breast cancer awareness month.  NOT a money grab month like some think.  I know the research is being done.  I pray for a cure.  When I was diagnosed, my surgeon knew what it meant, as his wife, who was 2 years younger than me, was a 3 year survivor at the time.  A couple years later when I was a co-chair at the Relay, she had been diagnosed again and was undergoing treatment.  Having kids in the same grades and activities, we saw them often.  Last week I read her obituary in the paper.  She was only 52.  13 years of fighting it.  My heart broke.  There are a few deaths you read about, hear about, that have the ability to knock you off your feet. This was one for me. My heart aches for her family.  It just is not fair.  I often think...  there by the Grace of God, go I!

So the election is tomorrow.  No matter who you are backing, please exercise your right to vote.  I will not use this blog to talk politics.  Besides, if you have me on Facebook, you already know how I feel.  I voted early for the first time!  My kids are voting! Husband is voting!  I am proud they are all concerned enough about this country, this life that they vote!!

So much more thoughts rambling around in my mind, but I think I will save them for another day.  Lucky you!

I will just leave you with my usual positive message.  Life is too short!  PLEASE treat people right, tell the ones you love that you do, be kind. Find the joy.

That, my friends, is what is on my mind right now!

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I know, you have already probably heard more than you want to on it.  And frankly, I am quite surprised I am writing anything about it, too.

But! It is something, I am obviously aware of ALWAYS! Every day is breast cancer awareness day for me and so many others.  More and more people I know are being diagnosed. It wears on my heart always, hearing of the struggles of others.  Some have it so much harder than I did.  Sometimes you feel guilty about that.  There is a LOT of why me, why not me, why them, why anyone associated with a breast cancer diagnosis, and I imagine with any cancer diagnosis. The only thing I DO know of is MY journey.  What it was like, what it still is.  At my last doctor's visit she said to me now, that it has been 10 years, it is considered a part of my history. Maybe in a medical sense, and I hope it always remains in my HISTORY, but in my life, it will never ever be part of my history only.

I was talking to a good friend the other night, who is upon her ONE year anniversary.  The worry, the struggles, the wondering, the unknown, they seem to be there whether it is a new diagnosis, it is one year out, five years out, or for me, ten years out.

Yes, I still worry. Every.single.day. I don't want to, I try not to. But it happens.  I find, with being a survivor along with other things that have happened in my life, starting with losing my dad when I was 4, that I worry far too much. About just everything.  I know that things can and do happen in life that can change your world. And many of those we have no control over.  So why do we worry more?  Because we know just that. We try not to, but it is something that happens...

So October is here once again, and now we will hear so much about breast cancer.  Over and over.....  IF it helps just one, if it encourages one to get a mammogram and that helps save a life, then the barrage of stories is more than worth it.  I remember how very hard it was to hear so much at the beginning, I remember screaming at the tv that I did not want to hear anymore, that dear GOD, I live it every day, I don't want to be reminded even more.

I just hope in all the statistics, all the medical stories, everything we hear, that the media and even us, remember that every single diagnosis is someone....  and that someone is a daughter, sister, aunt, mother, grandmother, wife, friend.  There are people behind all those stories...

and my wish, is of course, that they will figure this out and it will not be an issue for anyone in the future, that no one has to go through the diagnosis, the treatments.  And the worry.

One more thing.....no matter how far from diagnosis we may be, it is still nice to know that people care, people remember, and that we are never alone!!!

Thanks to all who went on the journey with me so long ago, you can never know how much a call, a card, a hug can mean!

Jamie Wants to Drive in 2013

My second, 'slap in your face' moment of the day.  If you have read my book you know what I mean by that.  For those of you who haven't, the 'slap in your face' moments are where life gives me a sudden reality 'slap' and reminds me of things that I have learned to put on the back burner or have learned to live with, or so I have thought.  Until that 'slap in your face' moment happens to take my breath away for a second, to make me think about the reality again.

The first one today has to do with what I have lived with for the last 10 years, as a breast cancer survivor.  The reality of having part of you taken away, if you will.  While, of course, the intellectual part of me realizes that it was necessary for me to LIVE, the emotional part, the shallow part sometimes feels robbed, feels inadequate, feels defective.  Most people don't realize the discomfort I have all the time, but that is okay, I can live with it. Some people can have reconstruction and look good, almost normal.  It was not the case for me.... And it makes me feel like so much less than a woman most days. I KNOW that being a woman means SO much more than that, but to see it every single day, the scars and deformity, well sometimes it is hard to remember.  Sometimes it still makes me mad. Sometimes it makes me sad too. Today is one of those days.

So I am sitting here and Jamie comes out of his room. He says, "Jamie drives the car in 2013!"  WHAT?  I am not sure where this has come from.  Maybe he is tired of being dependent.  Maybe HE wants a bit of independence.  WHY NOT?  So this was my second 'slap in the face' moment.  Because of the circumstance of his birth, his whole life was changed.  I look at him still and wonder....where would he be now?  Would he have chosen college?  What would he have studied?  Would he have a family???  What would kids from him look like?  I sometimes ache for what COULD have been.  And it is NOT a good place to go to often. But I am human and sometimes it happens.  I yearn for a conversation with my son.  I want to talk about more than whats for dinner or when I need to go to the store.  I still worry, what will happen when I am no longer here?  And could I have done more for him?  And just WHY DIDN'T those doctors take him by c-section.  I want to be a 'normal' family. I want to be able to have family pictures and family dinners where he will participate, I want to have us ALL in the room at Christmas time to open presents.........

I am not looking for sympathy, for kind words or anything at all like that.  I am truly a glass half full person, one who finds joy in each and every day.  Sometimes, those, the 'slap in the face' moments happen when you least expect it.  I will work through them as always.... I will put that smile back on my face. But right now, I just need to have my moment...

And that, my friends, is what is on my mind right now.

Evening

Not the time of day. A movie, actually.  As sometimes happens, when I am surfing channels early in the morning, I stop at a movie that I have never heard of, but nonetheless looks interesting for whatever reason.  This morning it was a movie from 2007 called Evening.

A description from IMDb
"A drama exploring the romantic past and emotional present of Ann Grant and her daughters, Constance and Nina. As Ann lays dying, she remembers, and is moved to convey to her daughters, the defining moments in her life 50 years prior, when she was a young woman. Harris is the man Ann loves in the 1950s and never forgets."


This movie stars Vanessa Redgrave as Ann, Claire Danes as young Ann. Glenn Close and Meryl Streep in small parts. The late Natasha Richardson plays one of Ann's grown daughters as does Toni Colette.

The movie was difficult to watch as the older Ann lays dying. It brought back so many feelings. But what got to me was this woman as she is dying is remembering/reliving her life in the 1950's.  When she was young, vibrant, finding love.  As she is dying she is remembering her one true love in her life.  Hers happened to 'get away' from her.

It got me to thinking.  I wonder as my mom lay dying, was she back in happier days?  Was she remembering/reliving them?  I wondered just when that would be.  And who was HER love of her life?  Was it my dad?  Or someone else?  What was life like for her back then?  Did she have something she was passionate about? Something she would have done or chose rather than being married and raising children?  Was there someone/something she missed out on?

Mostly, though, I was thinking, I hope she WAS remembering the good stuff, the happy days....I hope she was visiting that place, with the love of her life!

The movie ends as the nurse tells the daughters they need to come now. (I remember so well.)  But then it cuts to that place she was remembering, so beautiful.  The sun sets. The movie ends.....

and I sob.

And that, my friends, is what is on my mind right now!

Hate, forgiveness, moving on.....

I am not quite sure if I will be able to convey all that is in my mind right now. But I am going to try.  It may ramble, as I often do, as thoughts come to my mind, so hang in there!

Since Clay was not named the newest Celebrity Apprentice Sunday night, even though he was the clear winner to most everyone, I have seen many many things being said on the internet in various places.  As someone who was there, I know we stood there stunned.  There was a lot of anger and hurt, that obviously this was not a fair contest after all.  Were we all duped once again?  Was Arsenio in on it?  WHO is to blame?  Does it matter now?  It doesn't change things.  I have learned a long time ago, that when things happen that don't seem to be right or fair, I need to work it out, put it in the past, learn my lesson and move on!  I realize it is very hard for some to do that.  We all have our own journeys and I do not judge.

There is so much hate and name calling at the moment that it is making me uncomfortable.  It is out there for people to read. Even the ones that it is about.  I try to remember that there IS a person on the other end of it, even when it seems that person has no feelings or has done something that might be wrong in our eyes.  I don't believe in punishing them or myself because of them.  Some don't want to go to the Gala for the National Inclusion Project just because Arsenio will be there!  I would hope they could remember the purpose of the gala in the first place.  Raising funds so all children belong. So all children can play. Inclusion.  As a parent of a child with a disability, well young man now, I have lived through a lot of discrimination against him, have seen him treated badly in many ways.  And it hurts.  I have also seen first hand what inclusion can do. Not only for him but for others.  Kids and adults have truly been forever changed.  You can tell people until you are blue in the face, but sometimes it isn't enough. You have to show them.  I remember a long time ago, I belonged to a stay at home mom email group.  Little did I know that one of them that was so AGAINST inclusion sent the rest of them a scathing email about it.  She even went so far to say that it was "Obvious, I did not win the genetic lottery"  That cut deep into my soul....its been a lot of years....but I will never ever forget it. So to me, it IS about the cause.  The bonus of Clay singing?  Awesome of course.  And I realize that is why some people go and not the cause...but it all reality it IS his gala for HIS charity raising money for ALL to belong.  It is their decision who they present to, and now, who performs.  I for one cannot wait to be there!

I have learned to practice forgiveness.  We have talked about it before. Forgiveness is for me.  It is so I can live with myself.  I find it easier to get through each day when I have a forgiving loving heart.  I try to be positive in all I do and encounter.  I have learned that life is too short and if I don't live by those guidelines, I may be robbing myself of that joy I need to find each day, of a smile, a laugh.  I don't like to be sad or angry. I don't like how it feels.

And I don't like the word hate. It is such a bad feeling word that I try never to say it about people.  I could have growing up say I hate my stepfather.. Easily. But it made me uncomfortable then and it does now.  Have I never said it? Probably in anger sure...... but it is such a strong strong word I really try not to.  I prefer LOVE. Like even.  It just makes me feel better in my skin.

I have no idea if this is even close to what I wanted to say, but it is what came through my fingers to the page!

So I try never to say hate, I have to practice forgiveness a lot. But for me, no one else.  And then I try to move on.  That is just what works for me.

Tomorrow I will be sitting in on a Let's All Play training. I know I will be revitalized again. I will be reminded of why the Gala is very important, why the mission of the National Inclusion Project is vital and I cant wait to come home and share all about it!

Hope you can find the joy today...if even a little. For a bit.

And that my friends is what is on my mind right now!