Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Jamie Wants to Drive in 2013

My second, 'slap in your face' moment of the day.  If you have read my book you know what I mean by that.  For those of you who haven't, the 'slap in your face' moments are where life gives me a sudden reality 'slap' and reminds me of things that I have learned to put on the back burner or have learned to live with, or so I have thought.  Until that 'slap in your face' moment happens to take my breath away for a second, to make me think about the reality again.

The first one today has to do with what I have lived with for the last 10 years, as a breast cancer survivor.  The reality of having part of you taken away, if you will.  While, of course, the intellectual part of me realizes that it was necessary for me to LIVE, the emotional part, the shallow part sometimes feels robbed, feels inadequate, feels defective.  Most people don't realize the discomfort I have all the time, but that is okay, I can live with it. Some people can have reconstruction and look good, almost normal.  It was not the case for me.... And it makes me feel like so much less than a woman most days. I KNOW that being a woman means SO much more than that, but to see it every single day, the scars and deformity, well sometimes it is hard to remember.  Sometimes it still makes me mad. Sometimes it makes me sad too. Today is one of those days.

So I am sitting here and Jamie comes out of his room. He says, "Jamie drives the car in 2013!"  WHAT?  I am not sure where this has come from.  Maybe he is tired of being dependent.  Maybe HE wants a bit of independence.  WHY NOT?  So this was my second 'slap in the face' moment.  Because of the circumstance of his birth, his whole life was changed.  I look at him still and wonder....where would he be now?  Would he have chosen college?  What would he have studied?  Would he have a family???  What would kids from him look like?  I sometimes ache for what COULD have been.  And it is NOT a good place to go to often. But I am human and sometimes it happens.  I yearn for a conversation with my son.  I want to talk about more than whats for dinner or when I need to go to the store.  I still worry, what will happen when I am no longer here?  And could I have done more for him?  And just WHY DIDN'T those doctors take him by c-section.  I want to be a 'normal' family. I want to be able to have family pictures and family dinners where he will participate, I want to have us ALL in the room at Christmas time to open presents.........

I am not looking for sympathy, for kind words or anything at all like that.  I am truly a glass half full person, one who finds joy in each and every day.  Sometimes, those, the 'slap in the face' moments happen when you least expect it.  I will work through them as always.... I will put that smile back on my face. But right now, I just need to have my moment...

And that, my friends, is what is on my mind right now.

No comments:

Post a Comment