Hate, forgiveness, moving on.....

I am not quite sure if I will be able to convey all that is in my mind right now. But I am going to try.  It may ramble, as I often do, as thoughts come to my mind, so hang in there!

Since Clay was not named the newest Celebrity Apprentice Sunday night, even though he was the clear winner to most everyone, I have seen many many things being said on the internet in various places.  As someone who was there, I know we stood there stunned.  There was a lot of anger and hurt, that obviously this was not a fair contest after all.  Were we all duped once again?  Was Arsenio in on it?  WHO is to blame?  Does it matter now?  It doesn't change things.  I have learned a long time ago, that when things happen that don't seem to be right or fair, I need to work it out, put it in the past, learn my lesson and move on!  I realize it is very hard for some to do that.  We all have our own journeys and I do not judge.

There is so much hate and name calling at the moment that it is making me uncomfortable.  It is out there for people to read. Even the ones that it is about.  I try to remember that there IS a person on the other end of it, even when it seems that person has no feelings or has done something that might be wrong in our eyes.  I don't believe in punishing them or myself because of them.  Some don't want to go to the Gala for the National Inclusion Project just because Arsenio will be there!  I would hope they could remember the purpose of the gala in the first place.  Raising funds so all children belong. So all children can play. Inclusion.  As a parent of a child with a disability, well young man now, I have lived through a lot of discrimination against him, have seen him treated badly in many ways.  And it hurts.  I have also seen first hand what inclusion can do. Not only for him but for others.  Kids and adults have truly been forever changed.  You can tell people until you are blue in the face, but sometimes it isn't enough. You have to show them.  I remember a long time ago, I belonged to a stay at home mom email group.  Little did I know that one of them that was so AGAINST inclusion sent the rest of them a scathing email about it.  She even went so far to say that it was "Obvious, I did not win the genetic lottery"  That cut deep into my soul....its been a lot of years....but I will never ever forget it. So to me, it IS about the cause.  The bonus of Clay singing?  Awesome of course.  And I realize that is why some people go and not the cause...but it all reality it IS his gala for HIS charity raising money for ALL to belong.  It is their decision who they present to, and now, who performs.  I for one cannot wait to be there!

I have learned to practice forgiveness.  We have talked about it before. Forgiveness is for me.  It is so I can live with myself.  I find it easier to get through each day when I have a forgiving loving heart.  I try to be positive in all I do and encounter.  I have learned that life is too short and if I don't live by those guidelines, I may be robbing myself of that joy I need to find each day, of a smile, a laugh.  I don't like to be sad or angry. I don't like how it feels.

And I don't like the word hate. It is such a bad feeling word that I try never to say it about people.  I could have growing up say I hate my stepfather.. Easily. But it made me uncomfortable then and it does now.  Have I never said it? Probably in anger sure...... but it is such a strong strong word I really try not to.  I prefer LOVE. Like even.  It just makes me feel better in my skin.

I have no idea if this is even close to what I wanted to say, but it is what came through my fingers to the page!

So I try never to say hate, I have to practice forgiveness a lot. But for me, no one else.  And then I try to move on.  That is just what works for me.

Tomorrow I will be sitting in on a Let's All Play training. I know I will be revitalized again. I will be reminded of why the Gala is very important, why the mission of the National Inclusion Project is vital and I cant wait to come home and share all about it!

Hope you can find the joy today...if even a little. For a bit.

And that my friends is what is on my mind right now!

It ISN'T Just About a Singer....

I was going to wait until tomorrow to post a new blog.  Its' been a busy and emotional weekend, ending in a long day of traveling home, so I was going to rest.  But on Facebook, my cousin, who, I DO love, once again made fun, bashed my Clay 'love' so to speak.  He has done it in the past and while I never have appreciated it, tonight it made me mad and made me think, and got me to post tonight.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a big fan of Clay Aiken.  But many do not know the whole story, do not understand the whole story.  Many of you, my friends who are also fans, DO understand...

For those of you who don't, I am going to try to tell you, although much of it is hard to put into words.

As you know, ten years ago this month, I was diagnosed with cancer and went through a tough year.  About that time, American Idol 2 was on and we were hooked from the moment we watched Clay during the audition shows.  We watched every week together....voting and wanting him to win!  There was just something about his voice and personality that got under your skin.

I got through treatment, yes he came in second, and I had NO idea how much this man and being a fan of him would change my life.

I decided that I would no longer just sit around and watch my life pass me by.  What is the purpose in that?  I knew that life could be short, saw it many times, was faced with it myself.  My new mantra was find your joy...it STILL is....for without it, what is the point???

Somehow I found the message boards....imagine boards of people who got it!  Who were Clay Aiken fans....of the voice...and soon, of the man.

Kayla and I got to share many many things that I would never had even imagined.  We traveled from coast to coast, seeing places I would never have dreamed to see.  And I still am.  I just returned from another trip to New York City to attend the Celebrity Apprentice finale.  ME?!  Yeah. I did that...  What a blessed life I am leading. I am thankful each and every day.  But it is far far more than just going 'places'.

It is about the charity Clay started. It began as the Bubel/Aiken Foundation.  Imagine a charity about the one thing I had fought for each and every year for Jamie.   INCLUSION.  Making sure ALL kinds belonged.... This charity has evolved into the National Inclusion Project.  It continues to grow and continues to make a difference not only in the lives of the kids with disabilities, but in the lives of the kids without and in the lives of the parents.  This charity has my heart. I have supported it from the beginning and always will.  ALL children matter. Clay gets that...and he is making sure that everyone else does too.

Do yourself a favor, check it out yourself!
http://inclusionproject.org/

But you know what? It is not just about the incredible voice.  It is not just about the heart. It is not just about the Project.  It is about people.  It is about the friends I have made.  People from all over the country, the world even.  Other people who get it.  These people...we hug, we laugh, we cry.  We don't just love Clay Aiken.  We love each other. I cannot imagine my life without them!

Respect. Simple word. One that I wish many would think about......So, my dear cousin, and anyone else, maybe you should think twice next time before you bash, or make fun, or say anything negative.  Try to imagine there might be a reason...or many reasons, that I am a fan of Clay Aiken.

I just hope that others can find something or someone that brings as much joy to their lives as Clay has to mine!

That, my friends, is what is on my mind tonight!

Mother's Day

Just two days until Mother's Day.  I was at Target the other day and noticed all these people standing by a pink section of cards.  Took me a minute to realize it was the section for the cards for Mother's Day.  There was a tug on my heart when it dawns on me that once again, I do not need to go to that section as the time for me buying cards for my mom had been done for awhile.  I miss that.  I miss her.  Mind you, my mom and I did not have the closest of relationships. We really never talked about anything important when I was growing up and even when I was an adult.  I could count on my fingers the times she said I love you for the most part of my life.  That changed when I was diagnosed with cancer...then I heard it.  It meant the world to me.  I made sure I told her too. And I make sure I tell my kids.  But then, I always always have.  I knew it was important for them to hear it. I knew what it felt not too.  I KNEW she loved me, in the only way she knew how...but even now, I wish there had been more.  For those of you with close relationships with your mom, I hope you know how lucky you are!  Hug your mom for me. Just because!  I think of mine every day...I AM grateful for the mother I had.  I love her with all my heart.  And I miss her terribly.  We talk about her often around here.  I don't want to forget. I don't want my kids to.

I will celebrate the day because, of course I AM a mother....something I always wanted to be. I was blessed with four wonderful incredible kids.  All of them are unique. All of them have their own talents. Each have such a different personality.  I would like to think, of everything I have done in my life, this is the one thing I am most proud of. Being a mom.  Of course, like most, I think back and wish there were things I did differently, things I did better.  I can only hope I raised them okay. Better than okay. I hope that they will have wonderful lives. That they will be happy. That they will find their joy. Always...

And I hope they know how much I love them.  How proud I am of them.  Always.

May you all have a wonderful mother's day filled with love and good things!

And that is what is on my mind, right now.

Changes

A lot is on my mind these days.  So many changes happening all the time.  But that IS life, isn't it?  It seems when we are little, it takes forever to grow up.  Sometimes I wonder why the hurry?  Sometimes I think if we knew what it was really like to be 'grown up' we wouldn't be in such a hurry!  Even though at times, it seems like time drags, it really truly flies.  Sometimes I want to scream at it to slow down!  Too many changes happening all too fast!

First, I remember before I was married, I wondered IF I ever would be, wondering if I would have the 4 kids I wanted.  And I got that.  The married. The four kids.  But who ever knew they would grow up so fast?  It seems each one grew up faster than the last one.  It is so hard to wrap my mind around the idea that my YOUNGEST one is almost a junior in college and not one of them is even a teenager any more.  It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that they are grown and moving on, with their own lives.  Prouder of them, I couldn't be, but when we have those babies, does it cross our minds that in an instant, they will be grown and gone? I doubt it.

In the course of growing up, there are many losses.  So so many people have passed on.  I sit sometimes and think about the family things of so long ago. As a child you think those people will be around forever. But again, time passes much too fast, and they are gone.  We can try to keep them close in memories and photographs, but sometimes I just want to hug them, to have a conversation, to hear their voice, see their smile....

The other day I was looking in the mirror. I mean REALLY looking in the mirror.  I could not figure out who was looking back at me.  Where did that face come from?  I still feel the same on the inside.  So when I look in the mirror at that face that is no longer young, it is hard to believe it is the me I feel when looking out.  I see pictures and wonder just how did all the time pass so fast?  Again, who IS that person? I know I should age gracefully, but I don't want to!  Maybe it is because it is a reminder of time flying and things changing both much much too fast!

And that, my friends, is what is on my mind right now!

Forgiveness. Again.

I was thinking about this again.  I read my old post on it.  Seems that was about forgiving those already gone.  Now I want to talk about forgiving those still here and in our lives.

It has been rough around here lately.  And its time for forgiveness.  Again. For me.  If I cannot forgive the hurt that I feel/have felt, then I don't see things getting any better.  I will tell you as we get older, you would think words and actions of others wouldn't hurt so much.  I wish the 'wisdom' we have acquired through the years would help with that. But I am here to tell you it is not the case. Words hurt.     

Sometimes a lot. 

So a little time has passed and I have to let it go and forgive.  This has caused me much sadness and tears. Much heartache. It has affected my relationship with another.  If I were to wait for apologies I think the forgiveness would never happen.  Is that my lesson this time?  Maybe so.  I just know this one has been tough. It isn't even just the words not taken back, but other things since.  I have to try to forgive.  Notice I didn't say forget...because I am not quite sure yet how to do that.  Oh, I would like to. Who wants to have someone say such things to you? I know not of anyone. So today, I have to forgive.  And that feeling of the load lightening, so to speak, that I felt the last time?  I am feeling that again.  Maybe to a lessor degree, but it is nice not to be so sad. There is an affirmation I need to be saying every day again. Funny how it helps.

Healthy am I. Happy am I. Holy am I.

Simple, no?

I hope I can be forgiven too.  For in all this, I know I hurt someone I love by the things I said when hurt and angry.  Words spoken in anger often are hurtful.  Exaggerations, I think, of what we feel. Maybe with the intention to hurt another so they can feel the hurt we do.  Wherever those words come from, it is a better idea to not say them. Walk away when angry. Walk away when hurt.  Maybe the conversation can be had later.  Preferably after the forgiveness.  

So there it is. 

Forgiveness. 

Sometimes I think it is a daily thing to be practiced.  

And that, my friends, is what is on my mind right now.

Let's Talk About Life

So I will... Ready for random rambling thoughts? Here they come!

I have been thinking of starting this up again. I had good intentions so long ago of keeping up with it, but you know how it is...you get busy and/or lazy. Probably a little of both. Today my brother blogged, so I came to read his and while there, decided to read my old ones, which made me even more motivated to write. So lucky you, here I am.

Respect: why is there so much lack of it for others these days? No respect for strangers, no respect for those different than us. Younger people have no respect for their elders. By no means do I mean ALL people, because I have seen cases of respect. Unfortunately, I have seen many cases of none. I was at the receiving end of it too. To this day, the words hurt. A lot. I try to not let them. But they do. To me it came out of nowhere, I still don't know why. And it hurts. I just don't understand why it is so hard for people to respect each other.

Btw, If you were wondering after that last blog, how Jamie has been, he has not had another seizure. That we know of. So he has not had a grand mal seizure, although there have been times it sounded like he went down, so we run in to his room, to thankfully find he is okay. I have wondered throughout this year if he might have had smaller ones. He would be confused as to the day, which for him is unusual. Just some little things. He is still on anti-seizure meds and probably will be forever. I hope they continue to work. No parent should have to watch their child go through that.

Children...what can I say? I love all of mine. A lot. You know, you have kids, thinking life is so great. But wow, the reality can be so different. Don't get me wrong, I love having kids, even adult kids. Who knew at times that could be so much harder? I am faced right now with letting one of them make what I feel is a mistake. Its been rough around here lately to put it mildly. You try to impart your wisdom, hoping they will see the mistake they are making. But in the end there is nothing you can do, but let them walk away, and do what they are so set to do and hope and pray it works out. It is harder when it is unexpected and so out of character. I have shed many tears. Sometimes as humans we don't always realize how our actions can affect so many people. Part of growing up, I think is realizing that. Sometimes the decisions we make are not the 'funnest' ones so to speak, but have to be the smartest ones. Those are the hardest to do. When we are young, we don't always get that, and we surely don't listen to our parents, who just might have some knowledge on the subject! And how hard is it for us, as parents, to stand helplessly by and let your kids learn it on their own.

So...there is that thing I hate a lot. Cancer. One of my friends has been undergoing treatment. It has been ROUGH on her. She is one of the strongest persons I know. But cancer sucks a lot. It takes a lot. You pretty much hand over your whole life to it. I had the privilege recently to help plan a benefit for her. Now there was the opportunity to see the BEST of people, for the most part!! I know that her and her husband were overwhelmed by the generosity of so many. Many that gave, or donated, or showed up to this, had never even met her!! I know she has a long road to go, but I hope that this not only helps them on this road to worry a bit less, but it gives her the strength to get done with it and put it all behind her!.

SO my friends, that is what is on my mind right now. Family, respect, stupid cancer and how it affects people. Life.

Jamie

I am sitting here with lots of thoughts the last few days. I wanted to come here and write about it all. I wasn't sure what to entitle it, so I am simply writing about Jamie. There is so much in my head and my heart right now that I am not sure where to start or where it will end and I am sure it just might ramble a bit as I think of things, so please hang in there with me!

Did you know that any time the human brain is without oxygen it can cause problems? Well, I am sure you are. Even if at such a time as birth, for a few minutes, it can change a lifetime, as I am convinced that is what happened to Jamie, my second child.

He was a big baby to start with so the doctors, without asking, or telling me anything about it, used the vacuum extractor to help 'pull him out'. Come to find out later, he had to be revived, with blow by oxygen. These two events, I am sure, changed the course of all of our lives. Mostly his.

We noticed things right away....most people thought he was deaf as he wouldn't respond to his name. I knew otherwise. Many things added up and he was tested. And tested some more.... It was decided that although he had many of the characteristics of autism, he did not fit the criteria at the time to be diagnosed that. They called it 'probably Pervasive Developmental Disorder' BUT said he wasn't that exactly either....that Jamie was a 'rare bird'. Really. In my searches I came across Hyperlexia. Look it up...there is a book that was written on it. It could have been about him.

As a parent when you learn that your child has a disability, so many things are felt. It is a form of grief. You grieve for what will not be. The things you won't do or see him do. You think of what if, what could have been. Then you get to the reality. The WHO he is. and all of the stuff that goes with that. We were put into a world of IEPs...strange looks from those who did not understand, a world where your 4 year old finally reaches up and touches your face and says Mom and it is the best word you have ever heard. Jamie has been my education. I have learned so much from him about so much. The good and bad in the world. I have seen much of both.

And we have made sacrifices. Some as simple as no family pictures. Because of his disability, he avoids his dad and oldest brother when he can. Since he was 2 , he has reacted to his father's cough. Many years later his brother was added to that. Now of course they don't cough all the time, but he does not want to take that chance. If you see him and he is plugging his ears, that is why.
What this means is great. Meetings, doctors, shopping , anything is done without them. Every day things like family meals no longer happen. Christmas Jamie spends opening presents in his room. I am his parent. It is hard for me to not be able to get that support from another parent who can take over some of the 'stuff." It is hard for him to not be able to be there. Like the last few days.
In October Jamie out of the blue had a Grand Mal Seizure. It was THE most horrific thing I have had to witness. I cannot find the words to tell you. After appointments, tests, there was no reason found. No medication was prescribed because with no reason found, and only one it isn't guaranteed that it will ever happen again....actually only a 20% chance that it will in 5 years.
Well you know us and the odds....yeah it happened again. Sunday morning. 6:50 a.m. I am at the computer and hear a loud crash. I knew in an instant it was happening again. I ran in there. While it is happening, I can only watch. Once he came out of the body shaking part, it was another 10-15 minutes before he was conscious again. Another 10 or more before he was able to talk. When he first got up on his own his limbs move like a ragdoll and he could not walk right, it took awhile before he was able to talk with making any sense. He would not go with the ambulance people, so I had to take him to the ER. They decided to admit him. Little did we know it would be 24 hours before we actually saw another doctor. I do appreciate the nurses there, they were amazing. And I do give credit to all of them and the doctors for talking TO Jamie, to asking HIM the questions, to giving him the respect of treating him like a person. I can't tell you through out all his 23 years how many times that does not happen.

Yesterday in the hospital was exceptionally hard. I had no relief. As I have mentioned, he avoids his father. He was able to bring me the computer the night before so I at least had that. Jamie saw him, said I love you, goodbye and was clearly agitated. That has to hurt. It is hard to see and hard for me, knowing that it is only me there to deal with him , the doctors, and everything that came up. All day he begged to go home, he cried , every minute he asked to go. Wanting to go to Shopko and home. No matter how many times I would say yes, or later, or when the Dr said it was okay, he would ask again. Then again. I try so hard to have patience and understanding. Sometimes I get tired. And frustrated. I walked out of the room at one point, needing a break....tears in my eyes. I wondered, why....yup again, WHY. Why did God make him this way? and WHY of all people to have to deal with the seizures and tests and medications now having to be taken....WHY Jamie???? Why the struggles he has had, is having , will have?

and dear God, WHO is going to be there after me???

I worry about that often. Who.

And there I end....because that my friends, is what is on my mind right now.....